how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Someone signed my nipple.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
