Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
