There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The best revenge is premature balding
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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