Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
