our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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