i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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