I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
