I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize