I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
