So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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