As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
