I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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