I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Houston, we have a squirter
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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