After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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