Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
