Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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