if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
