No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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