I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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