I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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