I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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