My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
bring money and cleavage
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
