This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
