My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
