insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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