I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
