we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
