She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize