My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Randomize
