the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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