he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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