3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
