Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
