I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
