Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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