I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
