I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
