yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
