I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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