I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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