Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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