I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
