I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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