They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
