My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
