he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
