So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize