Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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