Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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