i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
