Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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