I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
