Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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