i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
