My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
