Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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