so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Did I show you my penis last night?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
